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That awkward moment-

where you realize you sent a mass ‘Happy Valentines Day <3’ text- and 3 of the recipients are exes.


So I’m just going to rant because lots of shit has been happening in my life and I want to let it out somewhere. That’s why this blog is here right? Sorry if this gets in the way of your other posts followers…. 
Anyway. My friend of 6 years moved to Florida today… We had our last dinner- which was nostalgic as fuck because the last time we had waffles and ice cream was when I was truly happy with my life. I miss her so fucking much, I didn’t think I would like THIS since we started drifting apart and everything and all the drama that we’ve had. But we were always together. Even if at the end it wasn’t that much, we were always together. And it hurts. I don’t really know how to deal with being away from someone I’ve been around so long. I felt like this when my family kicked me out- 
I don’t know how to live without them. But I had her to help me feel better when nobody else understood. 
Then on top of that I’m being treated like shit from someone that I’ve known/dated for 2 years and it’s amazing that someone who claimed they loved me at some point can disregard everything they’ve been preaching and literally start doing the same shit all over again. Writing lyric statuses to get at me and tweeting shit to make me feel bad constantly. He knows exactly what he’s doing- he just doesn’t care. 
And I have so much going on in my life right now where I can’t make ends meet and I’m scared to death of this surgery I’m about to have…… It’s just like summer all over again.  He sees how destroyed I am right now… But he still manages to keep it up.
He’s more interested about himself than anything. 
Yet he ignores my text to stop hurting me, and keeps doing it anyway because he just CAN. 
I got an IM today from Ben Morris…. My chrome tab started blinking his first name and my heart jumped. Then I opened the tab after 5 minutes of staring at it and I broke down crying. It’s the 900th time I’ve gotten my hopes up and I’m pissed off that when I opened the tab I see 
"Hey Marie continually vote for my shitty rapping video- THANKS"
Fuck off. I don’t know you and you got trashed by Hopsin after your battle.
I’ve been asking myself why I bother keeping old pictures around… I looked at my webcam photos today and saw a lot of old stuff. I also ask myself why I don’t just block him and get over it… Maybe I should. After all it’s obvious wanting to be friends was just a lie of convenience.

I told my lead guitarist today something that kinda pissed him off… 
He knows I’m cutting, drugging myself up and drinking religiously now. He’s too far away to do anything about it though. So that’s kind of a good thing I guess. 
If things go the way I’ve been planning them to I won’t have to worry about it much longer. -DISCLAIMER- If anyone thinks I’m in need of medical help or something because of the things I’ve written down please don’t call the cops or whatever. Save it. I have a heart condition that makes the likelihood of me dying from that greater than any self mutilation I might be doing to myself. It’s not even that bad, 
I’m not in the hospital yet.

Anyway…. yeah. Sometimes I wonder if he’ll feel sorry after I’m gone. But then I realized something that made me cry a lot at one point. ………He’s not that kind of guy anymore. It’s obvious since he’s already started ignoring my white flag waving. I was right all along. 
My friend of 6 years was right all along. 
You were all right… all along.  
Because it’s not on youtube anymore and it makes me LOL when he dances. Side to Side Music Video by Tyler Carter.